So what does it mean to be authentic anyhow?
I am feeling some physical sensations in me that are new, I feel moments when I want to contract and not be seen fully. It’s like a squeezing in my ribs, it feels energetically like I am cutting myself off like I don’t deserve to be seen fully or loved completely.
The interesting part about this is that because it is something tangible, a physical contraction that I feel affecting my body, it is making it easier for me to address the situation. To share more openly with whomever I may be around that I feel like hiding myself in the moment.
Sometimes I know why other times I am not sure, what I can say is that being open about what I am experiencing has been really helpful. I find that I usually take the supporter role and I feel comfortable in this place. I feel confident in supporting unconditionally the people in my life who ask or come to me for support.
The role of needing support for me has a squeezing feeling about it like I don’t want people to see me as in need of support. I do not think this is healthy or positive. The feeling I would attach to this is the feeling of being ashamed that I could not do it all on my own.
This is something that I feel is irresponsible of me to put out into the world especially since I am a teacher. Even the times when I feel like I can do it “all on my own” I am still being supported so much by the people in my life.
My family has been in my corner throughout my life supporting me through my journey in ways that I have taken for granted in the past, and as I allow the gravity of this support to come into me I begin to notice another layer of support coming in from my friends and community.
I have felt unsupported at many times in my life, did that mean the support was not there? Or that I was not looking at it? I can say that it was always there even when it appeared to disappear, it was still there, even when there were words exchanged that seemed unsupportive, the actions of those in my life proved that they were still there.
The amount of support I feel is the amount that I feel worthy to receive. As I have been reflecting a lot during this pandemic I begin to see a common thread for me that I feel unsupported. This is not rooted in reality. Of course I could prove that I am unsupported by only looking at certain aspects of any given relationship. But why would I tourture myself like this? As I begin to open up my perspective more I can see that I was just refusing to look at how certain people were there for me in their own unique and special ways. Just not how I wanted them or expected them to be there for me. ( say what!!! people will not be exactly like I want them to be!!!)
It’s actually very interesting how I can choose to spiral into feeling the support and love coming into my life or I can spiral into noticing what is lacking. To be honest usually both seem to be present at any given time.
So my work is in spiraling my thoughts into seeing the love and support that is there. Then noticing how my life changes, how my relationships are affected, how I show up in the world. I have noticed that synchronicities are coming in ways that I am completely uplifted by.
This is something I bring attention to daily, where is my attention taking me today? What am I attracting more of towards me with my thoughts and feelings?
I think the way people respond to me is a direct feedback loop of what I have going on inside, this is a liberating thought, while simultaneously bringing up shame for me because I should be always in a “good” place and not behaving in ways that attract disharmony into my day. Yea I know its definatly time to get over this!
Personal responsibility, I am responsible for how I feel, does this excuse the actions of another? No. I can actually hold someone accountable much easier when I take personal responsibility for my piece. ( I might expand on this thought at a later date if it feels needed)
I am writing as a form of release of what is in my mind, with a hope that someone reads it and is thinking about something similar and it gives a sense of soothing relief that feeling that I am not alone in my struggles, and to keep on doing your best.
As well some of you may read this and be like who is this quack, what a tool!! Hahaha I think both responses still value here too because It shows what you don’t want in your life and you can go look elsewhere for what it is that you are seeking.
I am not here for everyone but I do my best to be authentic with my teachings and sharings. I am in the journey I don’t have it all figured out. My life is not a perfect masterpiece, at the same time I like to work towards that ideal because why not?
Why think about and actively pressure things I don’t want to live with? And if I find myself thinking about things that make me feel like shit, do I need to be punished for this?
If someone else thinks of me as a terrible person do I need to become terrible to make their reality true?
When someone tells me my actions hurt them do I need to prove them wrong, because I can’t handle being seen in a negative light?
I know my answers to these questions, but I dont want to share them I think its nice to leave the questions open ended for today anyhow. thanks for taking the time to read this blurb or thoughts from yours truly.
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