I went into an interesting place after I began practicing yoga. I began to think that I should learn to be ok with everything and always see the silver lining, as well to always be kind and “good”.
I saw the Gurus and teachers and they would mostly speak as if everything was perfect for them. That any issues were ego. This might be true! Only I learned through experience that this cannot be achieved by suppressing the things that are not “good”. I practiced and anytime I was having an uncomfortable experience I would convince myself reasons why I don’t need to feel that way. I got very good a turning my attention to things that made me feel good, simultaneously looking away from things that I felt uncomfortable feeling or experiencing.
This everything is great mentality can become very taxing, because as we all know life has a way of bringing what we suppress to the surface. So after a few years of everything is awesome, life is beautiful, and if you see it any other way you have to change your mind. I began to feel a sense of deep anxiety. I could not figure out why, and thank yoga for the breathwork that helped me to move through this period of my life. I felt like I was surviving each day, just waiting for the better feelings to replace the anxiety.
One thing that I had working for me is a sense of wanting to know why. I usually want to look a bit deeper into things, and life, so I was on a mission! Learn how to “deal” with anxiety so I could learn to make it go away. I would sit and meditate not distract myself from what I was feeling inside, I would notice my thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Things would shift my thoughts would calm and I would feel better.
I began practicing to hold space for all of the spectrums of emotions and experience. Doing my best to allow myself to feel more of the “negative” emotions that I have been repressing for sometime now. I had been doing this through stillness and listening to my body.
All of this was absolutely necessary for me to become more at peace with myself, not just my best self but my whole self. Even with this deeper self acceptance I still had a small sense that I was missing something. I had found that place inside myself where I experience the perfection of everything that has occured in my life. I also have found a place of deep unease and anxiety not being sure of myself or my actions.
I have not until recently realized a key aspect of this whole self embodiment mission I have been on. I had placed so much value on this positive experience has been called nirvana, I was lead to believe from the get go that I could dwell in this state by people who do not. The key that came to me came from someone I met at a yoga festival.
The festival was held in Bratislava Slovakia, and was called the Ultimate Freedom Festival. The festival was themed to “get out of your own way”. I thought the only way to teach someone to do this was to embody this within myself then teach yoga and Acroyoga. I ended up teaching and feeling connected and in the flow through the festival.
After Day two of the festival was wrapping up I was having coffee with the photographer of the festival named Lukas. We were discussing life and I asked him a question that I have been pondering on for some time, “is it possible to stay in the state of nirvana at all times” which I what I thought enlightenment was.
His response helped to free me from myself. I do not remember his exact words, and what he said lead me to let go of that question. He helped me realise that I do have a deeply wired preference for the “higher” experience. That all the work I was doing was to not feel pain hoping to one day not have “bad” experiences. So what was required was a small shift in my intentions, which is clarified even further by a book that Lukas suggested that I read, Tools for Sanity By Kiran, which he also gifted to me the following day. I would highly recommend this book for anyone.
To be honest I am not really able to put many words to this subtle yet profound change. It seems so simple yet why haven’t seen it before. I am feeling a spectrum of things that no longer need fixing, or yearning, they just need to be felt, seen, heard, and experienced fully. Only not to become a better version of myself… I am already whole.
Are you interested in taking a class with me?