I have been feeling like my inner teenage suppressed emotions are surfacing, I have deep respect for who I was as a teenager. I would not hold back what I thought and had a sharp tongue. That being said I also had to suppress parts of myself that were not acceptable at the time.
This is a played out story, and at the same time I can still feel myself feeling like I need to hide myself from a cruel and unkind world. That when I open up people will betray me and blah blah blah.
As you can tell by the way I am writing I am feeling a bit over this process. Yet it is still affecting me and how I feel when interacting at a community level, within myself and family, I do not feel the need to hide from myself, as well I do not hide myself from my family or those who I would adopt as family.
Interestingly enough most of my trauma story happened at the community level, and now I notice that the circles I am part of feel eerily similar to high school. The Drama at the community level feels triggering to me, I feel like an outsider again blah blah blah! This is old news yet it can still feel very real to me.
I have a deep need to feel understood and accepted for who I am at the community level, and I bet this has happened many times over the years, yet since I have an old record playing on repeat I have rarely allowed this feeling of acceptance to sink deeply into my soul.
I have allowed it three times in a public way and they were some of the most elevating experiences! These experiences are in contrast to my repeating stories, so inner conflict comes online, the inner battle of things that are not even real.
Just thoughts and comparing the old program with the new one!
My work right now is in replaying the moments where I was celebrated and accepted at the community level for who I AM! Not for who everyone else needed me to be for their own comfort.
Everytime the old record tries to replay, they don’t like me! I am not welcome BOOOOOOOOO!
Then I can relive the moments where the opposite is true, and help my inner teenager to feel accepted just as he is, and accept this part of me too. I am the one with awkward and big emotions, quick wit, and a sharp tongue.
As I accept this in myself I am sure I will be in better alignment with those who love me for what I am even when it means causing discomfort when speaking uncomfortable truth into spaces that have unspoken agreements to conform to the norm.
The best part is I am not a teenager anymore I am a grown man, so I can bring in my lived experience with softness, and acceptance in situations when required. Also I have learned how to hold myself accountable in my older age, so I won’t need to fight to not be wrong when the evidence points otherwise.
This is just a quick blurb to check in as well to help me to process and move forward.
I honestly hope that it resonates with some of you out there who are in the journey of maturing not only in age but in behavior as well.
Thank you for your time!
I hope you have a great day